The Twilight Saga 2: New Moon Chapter 4 WAKING UP

TIME PASSES. up to right off WHEN IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE. EVEN when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of credit line behind a bruise. It au revoires un evely, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, exclusively pass it does. Even for me.CHARLIES FIST CAME DOWN ON THE TABLE. THATS IT, Bella Im sending you home.I ascertained up from my ce authentic, which I was pondering quite an than eating, and descryd at Charlie in shock. I hadnt been future(a) the conversationactu eithery, I hadnt been certified that we were having a conversationand I wasnt sure what he meant.I am home, I mumbled, confused.Im sending you to Renee, to Jacksonville, he clarified.Charlie watched with exasperation as I slowly grasped the meaning of his words.What did I do? I felt up my count crumple. It was so unfair. My behavior had been above reproach for the past four-spot months. later on that first week, which neither of us forever work forceti unitaryd, I hadnt preoccupied a day of t each or work. My grades were perfect. I neer broke cur someI never went anywhere from which to break curfew in the first place. I further actu all toldy rarely served left over(p)overs.Charlie was scowling.You didnt do anything. Thats the problem. You never do anything.You urgency me to get into stir? I wondered, my eyebrows pulling together in mystification. I made an thrust to pay trouble. It wasnt easy. I was so used to tuning e very(prenominal)thing pop off, my ears felt halt up.Trouble would be better than this this moping most all the prison termThat sozzled a bit. Id been careful to avoid all forms of moroseness, moping included.I am non moping around.Wrong word, he grudgingly conceded. Moping would be betterthat would be doing approximatelything. Youre provided lifeless, Bella. I compute thats the word I involve.This accusation struck home. I sighed and act to put some animation into my response.Im sorry, Dad. My apology fathomed a pocket-size flat, eve n to me. Id imagination Id been fooling him. Keeping Charlie from suffering was the whole point of all this effort. How depressing to pull in that the effort had been wasted.I dont extremity you to apologize.I sighed. so tell me what you do emergency me to do.Bella, he hesitated, scrutinizing my reaction to his succeeding(prenominal) words. H hotshoty, youre non the first person to go through this kind of thing, you enjoy.I slam that. My accompanying grimace was limp and unimpressive.Listen, h one and only(a)y. I bet thatthat possibly you aim some help.Help?He paused, searching for the words again. When your aim left, he began, frowning, and withalk you with her. He inhaled deeply. Well, that was a rightfully bad era for me.I acknowledge, Dad, I mumbled. exclusively I handled it, he pointed erupt. Honey, youre non handling it. I waited, I hoped it would get better. He stared at me and I looked use up quickly. I turn over we both know its non acquire better. Imfine.He throw outd me. Maybe, well, maybe if you talked to somebody close it. A professional.You want me to discriminate a compact? My go was a shade sharper as I currentize what he was getting at.Maybe it would help.And maybe it wouldnt help one little bit.I didnt know much roughly psychoanalysis, plainly I was fine sure that it didnt work unless the subject was relatively honest. Sure, I could tell the truthif I wanted to spend the rest of my life in a aggrandize cell.He examined my obstinate expression, and switched to an early(a) line of attack.Its beyond me, Bella. Maybe your motherLook, I said in a flat vo water ice. Ill go out tonight, if you want. Ill call Jess or Angela.Thats not what I want, he argued, frustrated. I dont hypothecate I hatful live through seeing you try trickyer. Ive never seen anyone trying so hard. It hurts to watch.I pretended to be dense, eccentric gobble up at the t adequate. I dont understand, Dad. First youre mad because Im not doi ng anything, and then you assure you dont want me to go out.I want you to be knowingno, not even that much. I respectable want you not to be miserable. I think youll bracea better chance if you get out of Forks.My eyeball flashed up with the first small spark of looking Id had in likewise want to contemplate.Im not leaving, I said.Why not? he de pieceded.Im in my last semester of schoolit would screw everything up.Youre a superb studentyoull figure it out.I dont want to crowd Mom and Phil.Your mothers been dying to deport you patronize.Florida is too hot.His fist came megabucks on the table again. We both know whats very passage on here, Bella, and its not good for you. He took a deep breath. Its been months. zero(prenominal)calls, no letters, no contact. You cant trammel waitingforhim.I glowered at him. The heat some, but not quite, reached my baptistry. It had been a long time since Id blushed with any emotion.This whole subject was perfectly forbidden, as he w as well aware.Im not waiting for anything. I dont expect anything, I said in a low mono smelling.Bella, Charlie began, his utter thick.I have to get to school, I interrupted, standing up and yanking my untouched breakfast from the table. I dumped my bowl in the sink without pausing to wash it out. I couldnt hired hand with any to a greater extent conversation.Ill make plans with Jessica, I called over my shoulder as I strapped on my school bag, not meeting his eye. Maybe I wont be home for dinner. Well go to appearance Angeles and watch a pic.I was out the front gate expression in the lead he could react.In my charge to get absent from Charlie, I ended up being one of the first ones to school. The plus side was that I got a really good parking spot. The downside was that I had free time on my turn over, and I act to avoid free time at all costs.Quickly, before I could start mentation around Charlies accusations, I pulled out my Calculus book. I flipped it give to the s ection we should be starting today, and act to make soul of it. Reading math was even worse than listening to it, but I was getting better at it. In the last several months, Id worn-out(a) ten times the amount of time on Calculus than Id ever washed-out on math before. As a result, I was domainaging to keep in the range of a low A. I k spic-and-span Mr. Varner felt my return was all due to his superior teaching methods. And if that made him happy, I wasnt breathing out to burst his bubble.I forced myself to keep at it until the parking surge was full, and I ended up travel to English. We were working on savage Farm, an easy subject matter. I didnt capitulum communism it was a pleasant change from the exhausting romances that made up most of the curriculum. I colonized into my seat, pleased by the distraction of Mr. Bertys lecture.Time moved easily time I was in school. The bell rang all too soon. I started repacking my bag.Bella?I recognized Mikes illustration, and I k impertinently what his coterminous words would be before he said them.Are you working tomorrow?I looked up. He was leaning crossways the aisle with an anxious expression. Every Friday he asked me the same question. never mind that I hadnt taken so much as a sick day. Well, with one exception, months ago. simply he had no reason to look at me with such concern. I was a model employee.Tomorrow is Saturday, isnt it? I said. Having just had it pointed out to me by Charlie, I realized how lifeless my office really sounded.Yeah, it is, he agreed. See you in Spanish. He waved once before turning his back. He didnt bother walking me to class any much.I trudged hit to Calculus with a grim expression. This was the class where I sat next to Jessica.It had been weeks, maybe months, since Jess had even greeted me when I passed her in the hall. I knew I had offend her with my antisocial behavior, and she was sulking. It wasnt exhalation to be easy to talk to her nowespecially to ask her to do me a favor. I weighed my options carefully as I loitered outside the classroom, procrastinating.I wasnt about to face Charlie again without some kind of social interaction to report. I knew I couldnt lie, though the thought of driving to Port Angeles and back alonebeing sure my odometer reflected the correct mileage, just in case he checkedwas very tempting. Jessicas mom was the biggest gossip in town, and Charlie was bound to run into Mrs. Stanley earlier earlier than later. When he did, he would no doubt mention the trip. fable was out.With a sigh, I shoved the door candid.Mr. Varner gave me a dark lookhed already started the lecture. I hurried to my seat. Jessica didnt look up as I sat next to her. I was glad that I had fifty minutes to mentally elevate myself.This class flew by even faster than English. A small bust of that speed was due to my goody-goody preparation this morning in the truckbut for the most part it stemmed from the fact that time always sped up wh en I was looking forward to something unpleasant.I grimaced when Mr. Varner dismissed the class five minutes early. He grind like he was being nice.Jess? My nose wrinkled as I cringed, waiting for her to turn on me.She twisted in her seat to face me, eyeing me incredulously. Are you talking to me, Bella?Of course. I capaciousned my eyes to suggest innocence.What? Do you bring help with Calculus? Her tone was a tad sour.No. I shook my head. Actually, I wanted to know if you would go to the movies with me tonight? I really need a girls night out. The words sounded stiff, like staidly delivered lines, and she looked suspicious.Why are you asking me? she asked, still unfriendly.Youre the first person I think of when I want girl time. I smiled, and I hoped the smile looked genuine. It was believably true. She was at least the first person I thought of when I wanted to avoid Charlie. It amounted to the same thing.She seemed a little mollified. Well, I dont know.Do you have plans?No I guess I can go with you. What do you want to see?Im not sure whats playing, I hedged. This was the tricky part. I racked my brain for a cluehadnt I hear someone talk about a movie recently? Seen a greenback? How about that one with the female president?She looked at me oddly. Bella, that ones been out of the arena forever.Oh. I frowned. Is in that respect anything youd like to see?Jessicas natural bubbliness started to evasion out in spite of herself as she thought out loud. Well, theres that new romantic comedy thats getting great reviews. I want to see that one. And my dad just saw Dead End and he really liked it.I grasped at the promising title. Whats that one about?Zombies or something. He said it was the scariest thing hed seen in years.That sounds perfect. Id rather deal with real robots than watch a romance.Okay. She seemed surprised by my response. I tried to concoct if I liked scary movies, but I wasnt sure. Do you want me to pick you up after school? she offered.Su re.Jessica smiled at me with tentative comity before she left. My answering smile was just a little late, but I thought that she saw it.The rest of the day passed quickly, my thoughts focused on planning for tonight. I knew from experience that once I got Jessica talking, I would be able to get off with a few mumbled responses at the get here and nows. Only minimal interaction would be required.The thick haze that fuzzy my days now was sometimes confusing. I was surprised when I assemble myself in my room, not clearly retrieveing the drive home from school or even heart-to-hearting the front door. But that didnt matter. Losing track of time was the most I asked from life.I didnt fight the haze as I rancid to my closet. The numbness was more essential in some places than in others. I barely registered what I was looking at as I slid the door aside to reveal the pile of rubbish on the left side of my closet, under the clothes I never wore.My eyes did not stray toward the blac k garbage bag that held my present from that last birthday, did not see the shape of the stereo where it s enlightened against the black plastic I didnt think of the bloody mess my nails had been when Id correct clawing it out of the dashboard.I yanked the doddery purse I rarely used off the nail it hung from, and shoved the door shut.Just then I heard a horn honking. I swiftly traded my wallet from my schoolbag into the purse. I was in ahurry, as if rushing would somehow make the night pass more quickly.I glanced at myself in the hall mirror before I subject the door, recording my features carefully into a smile and trying to hold them there. convey for access with me tonight, I told Jess as I climbed into the passenger seat, trying to infuse my tone with gratitude. It had been a period since Id really thought about what I was reflection to anyone besides Charlie. Jess was harder. I wasnt sure which were the right emotions to fake.Sure. So, what brought this on? Jess wondere d as she drive down my highroad.Brought what on?Why did you suddenly decide to go out? It sounded like she changed her question halfway through.I shrugged. Just needed a change.I recognized the song on the radio then, and quickly reached for the dial. Do you mind? I asked.No, go ahead.I scanned through the mails until I found one that was harmless. I peeked at Jesss expression as the new music filled the car.Her eyes squinted. Since when do you listen to rap?I dont know, I said. A while.You like this? she asked doubtfully.Sure.It would be much too hard to interact with Jessica normally if I had to work to tune out the music, too. I nodded my head, hoping I was in time with the beat.Okay She stared out the windshield with wide eyes.So whats up with you and Mike these days? I asked quickly.You see him more than I do.The question hadnt started her talking like Id hoped it would.Its hard to talk at work, I mumbled, and then I tried again. Have you been out with anyone of late? non really. I go out with Conner sometimes. I went out with Eric cardinal weeks ago. She rolled her eyes, and I sensed a long story. I clutched at the opportunity.Eric Yorkie? Who asked who?She groaned, getting more animated. He did, of course I couldnt think of a nice way to say no.Where did he take you? I demanded, knowing she would interpret my eagerness as interest. Tell me all about it.She launched into her tale, and I settled into my seat, more comfortable now. I paid unyielding attention,murmuring in sym cart tracky and gasping in horror as called for. When she was finished with her Eric story, she continued into a Conner comparison without any prodding.The movie was playing early, so Jess thought we should hit the twilight showing and eat later. I was happy to go along with whatever she wanted after all, I was getting what I wantedCharlie off my back.I kept Jess talking through the previews, so I could ignore them more easily. But I got nervous when the movie started. A young couple was walking along a beach, lilt hands and discussing their mutual affection with gooey falseness. I resisted the urge to crosscut my ears and start humming. I had not bargained for a romance.I thought we picked the zombie movie, I hissed to Jessica.This is the zombie movie.Then why isnt anyone getting eaten? I asked desperately.She looked at me with wide eyes that were near alarmed. Im sure that parts coming, she whispered.Im getting popcorn. Do you want any?No, thanks.Someone shushed us from behind.I took my time at the assignment counter, watching the clock and debating what percentage of a ninety-minute movie could be spent on romantic exposition. I decided ten minutes was more than enough, but I paused just inside the theater doors to be sure. I could hear horrified screams blaring from the speakers, so I knew Id waited long enough.You missed everything, Jess murmured when I slid back into my seat. Almost everyone is a zombie now.Long line. I offered her some popcorn . She took a handful.The rest of the movie was comprised of gruesome zombie attacks and eternal screaming from the handful of people left alive, their numbers dwindling quickly. I would have thought there was nothing in that to disturb me. But I felt uneasy, and I wasnt sure why at first.It wasnt until almost the very end, as I watched a haggard zombie scuffle after the last shrieking survivor, that I realized what the problem was. The panorama kept cutting between the horrified face of the heroine, and the dead, emotionless face of her pursuer, back and forth as it closed the distance.And I realized which one resembled me the most.I stood up.Where are you going? at that places, like, devil minutes left, Jess hissed.I need a drink, I muttered as I raced for the exit.I sat down on the bench outside the theater door and tried very hard not to think of the irony. But it was ironic, all things considered, that, in the end, I would wind up as a zombie. I hadnt seen that one coming.No t that I hadnt imagine of becoming a mythical monster oncejust never a grotesque, animated corpse. I shook my head to dislodge that train of thought, get holding panicky. I couldnt afford to think about what Id once dreamed of.It was depressing to realize that I wasnt the heroine anymore, that my story was over.Jessica came out of the theater doors and hesitated, probably wondering where the best place was to search for me. When she saw me, she looked relieved, but only for a moment. Then she looked irritated.Was the movie too scary for you? she wondered.Yeah, I agreed. I guess Im just a coward.Thats funny. She frowned. I didnt think you were scaredI was screaming all the time, but I didnt hear you scream once. So I didnt know why you left.I shrugged. Just scared.She relaxed a little. That was the scariest movie I think Ive ever seen. Ill bet were going to have nightmares tonight.No doubt about that, I said, trying to keep my voice normal. It was inevitable that I would have night mares, but they wouldnt be about zombies. Her eyes flashed to my face and away. Maybe I hadnt succeeded with the normal voice.Where do you want to eat? Jess asked.I dont care.Okay.Jess started talking about the male lead in the movie as we walked. I nodded as she gushed over his hotness, unable to remember seeing a non-zombie man at all.I didnt watch where Jessica was leading me. I was only vaguely aware that it was dark and quieter now. It took me longer than it should have to realize why it was quiet. Jessica had confirmationped babbling. I looked at her apologetically, hoping I hadnt hurt her feelings.Jessica wasnt looking at me. Her face was sift she stared straight ahead and walked fast. As I watched, her eyes darted quickly to the right, across the road, and back again.I glanced around myself for the first time.We were on a gyp stretch of unlit sidewalk. The little shops lining the roadway were all locked up for the night, windows black. Half a block ahead, the roadwaylig hts started up again, and I could see, farther down, the expert golden arches of the McDonalds she was heading for.Across the street there was one open business. The windows were covered from inside and there were neon signs, advertisements for various brands of beer, glowing in front of them. The biggest sign, in brilliant green, was the name of the barOne-Eyed Petes. I wondered if there was some pirate theme not visible from outside. The metal door was propped open it was dimly lit inside, and the low murmur of umpteen voices and the sound of ice clinking in glasses floated across the street. Lounging against the wall beside the door were four men.I glanced back at Jessica. Her eyes were fixed on the path ahead and she moved briskly. She didnt lookfrightenedjust wary, trying to not attract attention to herself.I paused without thinking, looking back at the four men with a strong sense of dj vu. This was a different road, a different night, but the scene was so much the same. On e of them was even compendious and dark. As I halt and turned toward them, that one looked up in interest.I stared back at him, frozen on the sidewalk.Bella? Jess whispered. What are you doing?I shook my head, not sure myself. I think I know them I muttered.What was I doing? I should be running from this memory as fast as I could, blocking the image of the four lounging men from my mind, protecting myself with the numbness I couldnt function without. Why was I stepping, dazed, into the street?It seemed too coincidental that I should be in Port Angeles with Jessica, on a dark street even. My eyes focused on the of a sudden one, trying to match the features to my memory of the man who had threatened me that night almost a year ago. I wondered if there was any way I would recognize the man, if it was really him. That particular part of that particular evening was just a blur. My body remembered it better than my mind did the tension in my legs as I tried to decide whether to run or to stand my ground, the xerotes in my throat as I struggled to build a overnice scream, the tight stretch of skin across my knuckles as I clenched my hands into fists, the chills on the back of my neck when the dark-haired man called me sugar.There was an indefinite, implied kind of menace to these men that had nothing to do with that other night. It sprung from the fact that they were strangers, and it was dark here, and they outnumbered usnothing more specific than that. But it was enough that Jessicas voice cracked in panic as she called after me.Bella, come onI ignored her, walking slowly forward without ever do the conscious decision to move my feet. I didnt understand why, but the cloudy threat the men presented drew me toward them. It was a senseless impulse, but I hadnt felt any kind of impulse in so long I followed it.Something unfamiliar beat through my veins. Adrenaline, I realized, long transfer from my system, drumming my pulse faster and fighting against the lack o f sensation. It was strangewhy the adrenaline when there was no fear? It was almost as if it were an echo of the last time Id stood like this, on a dark street in Port Angeles with strangers.I saw no reason for fear. I couldnt imagine anything in the world that there was left to be afraid of, not physically at least. One of the few advantages of losing everything.I was halfway across the street when Jess caught up to me and grabbed my arm.Bella You cant go in a bar she hissed.Im not going in, I said absently, shaking her hand off. I just want to see somethingAre you crazy? she whispered. Are you suicidal?That question caught my attention, and my eyes focused on her.No, Im not. My voice sounded defensive, but it was true. I wasnt suicidal. Even in the beginning, whendeath unquestionably would have been a relief, I didnt consider it. I owed too much to Charlie. I felt too responsible for Renee. I had to think of them.And Id made a promise not to do anything inconclusive or reckless. For all those reasons, I was still breathing.Remembering that promise. I felt a twinge of guilt.but what I was doing fight now didnt really count. It wasnt like I was taking a blade to my wrists.Jesss eyes were round, her sassing hung open. Her question about suicide had been rhetorical, I realized too late.Go eat, I encouraged her, waving toward the fast food. I didnt like the way she looked at me. Ill catch up in a minute.I turned away from her, back to the men who were watching us with amused, curious eyes.Bella, stop this right nowMy muscles locked into place, froze me where I stood. Because it wasnt Jessicas voice that rebuked me now. It was a furious voice, a familiar voice, a beautiful voicesoft like velvet even though it was irate.It was his voiceI was exceptionally careful not to think his nameand I was surprised that the sound of it did not knock me to my knees, did not curl me onto the pavement in a torture of loss. But there was no cark, none at all.In the instant that I heard his voice, everything was very clear. Like my head had suddenly surfaced out of some dark pool. I was more aware of everythingsight, sound, the feel of the cold air that I hadnt noticed was blowing sharply against my face, the smells coming from the open bar door.I looked around myself in shock.Go back to Jessica, the good-natured voice ordered, still angry. You promisednothing stupid.I was alone. Jessica stood a few feet from me, staring at me with frightened eyes. Against the wall, the strangers watched, confused, wondering what I was doing, standing there motionless in the middle of the street.I shook my head, trying to understand. I knew he wasnt there, and provided, he felt improbably close, close for the first time since since the end. The anger in his voice was concern, the same anger that was once very familiarsomething I hadnt heard in what felt like a lifetime.Keep your promise. The voice was slithering away, as if the volume was being turned down on a radio.I be gan to suspect that I was having some kind of hallucination. Triggered, no doubt, by the memorythe deja vu, the strange familiarity of the situation.I ran through the possibilities quickly in my head.Option one I was crazy. That was the laymans term for people who heard voices in their heads.Possible.Option two My subconscious mind was giving me what it thought I wanted. This was wish fulfillmenta evanescent relief from pain by embracing the incorrect idea that he cared whether I lived or died. Projecting what he would have said if A) he were here, and B) he would be in any way bothered by something bad happening to me.Probable.I could see no option three, so I hoped it was the second option and this was just my subconscious running amuck, rather than something I would need to be hospitalized for.My reaction was hardly sane, thoughI was grateful. The sound of his voice was something that Id feared I was losing, and so, more than anything else, I felt overwhelming gratitude that my u nconscious mind had held onto that sound better than my conscious one had.I was not allowed to think of him. That was something I tried to be very strict about. Of course I slipped I was only human. But I was getting better, and so the pain was something I could avoid for days at a time now. The trade-off was the never-ending numbness. Between pain and nothing, Id chosen nothing.I waited for the pain now. I was not numbmy senses felt unusually intense after so many months of the hazebut the normal pain held off. The only ache was the disappointment that his voice was fading.There was a second of choice.The wise thing would be to run away from this potentially destructiveand certainly mentally unstabledevelopment. It would be stupid to encourage hallucinations.But his voice was fading.I took another step forward, testing.Bella, turn around, he growled.I sighed in relief. The anger was what I wanted to hearfalse, fabricated evidence that he cared, a dubious gift from my subconscious. Very few seconds had passed while I sorted this all out. My little audience watched, curious. It probably looked like I was just dithering over whether or not I was going to approach them. How could they guess that I was standing there enjoying an unexpected moment of insanity?Hi, one of the men called, his tone both confident and a bit sarcastic. He was fair-skinned and fair-haired, and he stood with the assurance of someone who thought of himself as quite good-looking. I couldnt tell whether he was or not. I was prejudiced.The voice in my head answered with an exquisite snarl. I smiled, and the confident man seemed to take that as encouragement.Can I help you with something? You look lost. He grinned and winked.I stepped carefully over the gutter, running with water that was black in the darkness.No. Im not lost.Now that I was closerand my eyes felt oddly in focusI analyzed the piteous, dark mans face. It was not familiar in any way. I suffered a curious sensation of disappointme nt that this was not the terrible man who had tried to hurt me almost a year ago.The voice in my head was quiet now.The bypass man noticed my stare. Can I buy you a drink? he offered, nervous, seeming flattered that Id singled him out to stare at.Im too young, I answered automatically.He was baffledwondering why I had approached them. I felt compelled to explain.From across the street, you looked like someone I knew. Sorry, my mistake.The threat that had pulled me across the street had evaporated. These were not the dangerous men I remembered. They were probably nice guys. Safe. I lost interest.Thats okay, the confident blonde said. Stay and hang out with us.Thanks, but I cant. Jessica was hesitating in the middle of the street, her eyes wide with go against and betrayal.Oh, just a few minutes.I shook my head, and turned to requite Jessica.Lets go eat, I suggested, barely glancing at her. Though I appeared to be, for the moment, freed of the zombie abstraction, I was just as dist ant. My mind was preoccupied. The safe, numb deadness did not come back, and I got more anxious with every minute that passed without its return.What were you thinking? Jessica snapped. You dont know themthey could have been psychopathsI shrugged, wishing she would let it go. I just thought I knew the one guy.You are so odd, Bella Swan. I feel like I dont know who you are.Sorry. I didnt know what else to say to that.We walked to McDonalds in silence. Id bet that she was wishing wed taken her car instead of walking the short distance from the theater, so that she could use the drive-through. She was just as anxious now for this evening to be over as I had been from the beginning.I tried to start a conversation a few times while we ate, but Jessica was not cooperative. I must have really offended her.When we go back in the car, she tuned the stereo back to her favorite station and turned the volume too loud to allow easy conversation.I didnt have to struggle as hard as usual to ignor e the music. Even though my mind, for once, was not carefully numb and empty, I had too much to think about to hear the lyrics.I waited for the numbness to return, or the pain. Because the pain must be coming. Id broken my personal rules. Instead of shying away from the memories, Id walked forward and greeted them. Id heard his voice, so clearly, in my head. That was going to cost me, I was sure of it. Especially if I couldnt reclaim the haze to protect myself. I felt too alert, and that frightened me.But relief was still the strongest emotion in my bodyrelief that came from the very core of my being.As much as I struggled not to think of him, I did not struggle to forget. I worriedlate in the night, when the exhaustion of sleep deprivation broke down my defensesthat it was all slipping away. That my mind was a sieve, and I would someday not be able to remember the precise color of his eyes, the feel of his cool skin, or the caryopsis of his voice. I could not think of them, but I must remember them.Because there was just one thing that I had to believe to be able to liveI had to know that he existed. That was all. Everything else I could endure. So long as he existed.Thats why I was more trapped in Forks than I ever had been before, why Id fought with Charlie when he suggested a change. Honestly, it shouldnt matter no one was ever coming back here.But if I were to go to Jacksonville, or anywhere else bright and unfamiliar, how could I be sure he was real? In a place where I could never imagine him, the execration might fade and that I could not live through.Forbidden to remember, terrify to forget it was a hard line to walk.I was surprised when Jessica stopped the car in front of my house. The ride had not taken long, but, short as it seemed, I wouldnt have thought that Jessica could go that long without speaking.Thanks for going out with me, Jess, I said as I opened my door. That wasfun. I hoped that fun was the appropriate word.Sure, she muttered.Im sor ry about after the movie.any(prenominal), Bella. She glared out the windshield instead of looking at me. She seemed to be growing angrier rather than getting over it.See you Monday?Yeah. Bye.I gave up and shut the door. She host away, still without looking at me.Id forgotten her by the time I was inside.Charlie was waiting for me in the middle of the hall, his arms folded tight over his pectus with his hands balled into fists.Hey, Dad, I said absentmindedly as I ducked around Charlie, heading for the stairs. Id been thinking about him for too long, and I wanted to be upstairs before it caught up with me.Where have you been? Charlie demanded.I looked at my dad, surprised. I went to a movie in Port Angeles with Jessica. Like I told you this morning.Humph, he grunted.Is that okay?He studied my face, his eyes widening as if he saw something unexpected. Yeah, thats fine. Did you havefun?Sure, I said. We watched zombies eat people. It was great.His eyes narrowed.Night, Dad.He let me pas s. I hurried to my room.I lay in my bed a few minutes later, resigned as the pain finally made its appearance.It was a stultify thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most racy organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and incline despite the passage of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldnt hear the sound of my pulse in my ears my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the painthe aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and headbut it was manageable. I could live through it. It didnt feel like the pain had alter over time, rather that Id grown strong enough to bear it.Whatever it was that had happened tonightand whether it was the zombies, the adrenaline, or the hallucinations that were responsibleit had woken me up.For the first time in a long time, I didnt know what to expect in the morning.